Finally im able to crack up all those feelings. Im at ease again. Ive regained my old peace, my old sensitivity. From now on its all about forgiving and healing, making peace with the world, with my father, with my mother, my friend. Ive learned what Ive learned, now i got what ive learned in thought and soul.
There are is no kind of beating that can turn off the flame that makes me move. There is no pain that will make me stop. No fear that I wont fight. No challenge that I wont accept. Im not giving up on living no matter what.

I leaving a song of healing right here:

...

Stuck up insensitive jerk, over-rationalizing bastard. Simple minded, over confident and near visioned.
Im fucked up. Truthfully, I dont mind being the bad guy from the movie. In fact I hate heroes. Id love to be the joker. So fucking egoist that Im afraid to even let a single bit of me. Nobody goes through. Ever since I had to lock away most of my humanity from myself, it was also locked away from the rest of the world.

On the other side.
Im not letting go. Im not letting go life, im not letting go this illusion of you, im not letting go.
But it´s so scary to even think of taking the fucking risk and taking the chances...
I dont know whats wrong with me. I cant figure out how to reach you. As if im jumping of a cliff trying to grab your hand. I afraid trying to reach you would be suicidal.

There was this girl I was in love once... She was too much like me. I was too much like her. We just got along too well, as if we complemented each other. But destiny tried hard to keep us apart... So we walked both our own ways, sometimes meeting each other. We grew. Have we grew old enough?
Wonder if someday... someday.
I wonder...

If not, go away. Stay the fuck away from me and take with you all those fucking lies and games, im not interested in your chattery. I wont play your wicked game

Everytime the music stops, cold dark turbulent waters fill the room chilling me to the bones. Quickly moving to the music player, putting another song to play loudly in my headphones... Peace of mind somewhat comes back. Meanwhile bury my face in my hands and swim in this sea of agony...

Again...

I woke up early after getting to bed late. Again. Spend last night playing Black Ops. I owned for the most part of it. Stoner63 with Infrared Scope, ghost, hacker, steady Aim(been thinking to change it to Warlord.... but idk, ill try it later today)... Anyways again this nightmares dont seem to go away...
I have to strive everytime I wake up. Convince myself im already awake. Breath slowly and figure out how to keep a grip.
Im not even sure what the fuck Im dreaming that makes sweat and wake every thirty minute trying to scream.
Seems like the old rolling to the other side of the bed trick isn´t working.
Somehow I know where this path leads, I´ve felt this kind of restlessness and insanity before. Still I feel like there some hope down the road... That someone is going to save me.

Ultimamente...

Im not sure where im going. Even though im pretty clear about the way I want to live, as the days go by I feel every time deeper into desperation and unable to keep the pace with my own train of thought... Guess its a way of losing control.
Nights filled with restlessness and recurring thoughts, my mind keeps running without stop. Cant close my eyes without seeing this movie that goes over and over, its a movie without end. My everyday live replays in a infinite loop, but not only the actual stuff that happens... not the cars and the buses. Not the parks and lighters... but all those thoughts, every single thought, once they find a spot in my mind they just wont go away. These crowd of thoughts screaming in different tones calling for my attention meanwhile I have to keep myself together, roll over to the other side of the bed, try to take a deep breath focus on sleeping... or focus on walking, focus on finding the way to class, focus on staring into your eyes while we talk.
Suddenly Im making my way through a dancing crowd, dealing with the guilt of smoking cigarettes, feeling my feet numb already and my next neostigmine dose its in two hours. Bright lights blink dazzling me, colored lasers cutting through the dense synthetic smoke as the loud beats hits my ears making me free from all those voices.
And there, in the middle of the crowd with my eyes shut tight banging my head to the super loud beats. Quickly night turns into day.
Im again staring into the pc screen, trying to figure out what the fuck I want to do with all that memory registries, should I use Ax? or Al or Ah? Ill need Cx for the loop and using the freaking stack is so tedious...trying to remember anything useful about the carry flags... Then again, mom is calling, its impossible to avoid the routine. Storm is coming again, dad is calling too. Imimprisoned again.

Maybe im going mad? Is it insanity? Im not sure if Im able to feel anything anymore. Feelings seem senseless, incompressible. Sometimes I cant figure out how to deal with people... What to expect, how to react, how to tell what I think, or if I should tell them what I think. I feel like an alien. I dont know if im imagining that kind of stuff anymore? Is it true? Im I being just to harsh on myself?
Latetly its been about this movie...
That just keeps going, scenes that abruptly change into another...

Pués la tematica de hoy será las drogas...
Es un tema tan amplio e inmoral para nuestra sociedad. Pero porqué? Por la asociación que se hace entre una persona que utiliza drogas y su capacidad de ser integro, funcional, sano y consciente.
La verdad no me importa ser un Pot Head, en general creo demasiado en la frase de la cultura 420 Are you stoner stupid or stoner smart?
Claramente esa concepción es inaceptable para los consevadores. Ellos justifican su prohibición
y discriminación poniendo de ejemplo a los indigentes... etc etc... la satanizan.

Sigan gastando impuestos en mantener al narco.

Murderous bitch

I feel like she killed a part of me.
Thanks universe I came to this point. Gonna go back to my fucking self.

That stuck up, selfish, unsure little bitch fucked me. Fucked me hard and made a huge mess out of me. And its also my stupid fault. Thats what I get for expecting and putting myself into her issues.

Im not talking about this ever again.