Ultimamente...

Im not sure where im going. Even though im pretty clear about the way I want to live, as the days go by I feel every time deeper into desperation and unable to keep the pace with my own train of thought... Guess its a way of losing control.
Nights filled with restlessness and recurring thoughts, my mind keeps running without stop. Cant close my eyes without seeing this movie that goes over and over, its a movie without end. My everyday live replays in a infinite loop, but not only the actual stuff that happens... not the cars and the buses. Not the parks and lighters... but all those thoughts, every single thought, once they find a spot in my mind they just wont go away. These crowd of thoughts screaming in different tones calling for my attention meanwhile I have to keep myself together, roll over to the other side of the bed, try to take a deep breath focus on sleeping... or focus on walking, focus on finding the way to class, focus on staring into your eyes while we talk.
Suddenly Im making my way through a dancing crowd, dealing with the guilt of smoking cigarettes, feeling my feet numb already and my next neostigmine dose its in two hours. Bright lights blink dazzling me, colored lasers cutting through the dense synthetic smoke as the loud beats hits my ears making me free from all those voices.
And there, in the middle of the crowd with my eyes shut tight banging my head to the super loud beats. Quickly night turns into day.
Im again staring into the pc screen, trying to figure out what the fuck I want to do with all that memory registries, should I use Ax? or Al or Ah? Ill need Cx for the loop and using the freaking stack is so tedious...trying to remember anything useful about the carry flags... Then again, mom is calling, its impossible to avoid the routine. Storm is coming again, dad is calling too. Imimprisoned again.

Maybe im going mad? Is it insanity? Im not sure if Im able to feel anything anymore. Feelings seem senseless, incompressible. Sometimes I cant figure out how to deal with people... What to expect, how to react, how to tell what I think, or if I should tell them what I think. I feel like an alien. I dont know if im imagining that kind of stuff anymore? Is it true? Im I being just to harsh on myself?
Latetly its been about this movie...
That just keeps going, scenes that abruptly change into another...